Hell is NOT other people: how I came to understand that the whole world is not just one big lying-cheating-backstabbing-untrustworthy-conniving asshole

hate-people
In my life, I’ve encountered some really awesome individuals who at some point confessed to me that they truly hate people in general. I was so shocked to hear them say that, I mean for one thing they were not bitter, scowling, brooding types at all. These were people who loved music, who offered their help when I was struggling, who decorated their space with butterflies and twinkly lights. I mean seriously WTF, what do you mean you hate people?!?

When I picture someone who claims to hate people, I picture these Scrooge-like characters not someone who loves music or butterflies.

So why do such upbeat and charitable individuals become misanthropes, how do they develop this general hatred for people?

In truth, it’s not so hard to understand. A long time ago, I too used to claim that I hated people. I had a series of truly fucked up friendships that left me feeling like the whole world was just one big lying-cheating-backstabbing-untrustworthy-conniving asshole. Pardon my French!

In my mind, I truly believed that everyone I met would eventually turn against me, that they never really liked me, and the whole time they were just laughing at me and talking shit behind my back. It was an irrational, but not unfounded thought as it was based on past experience! Eventually, I started to think… WHAT IF they were right to do those things to me, WHAT IF I’m not worthy of love, of loyalty, of compassion. Am I the problem?

All this over-thinking and analyzing converted itself into a truly sickening self-loathing. I got myself to believe that I truly wasn’t worthy of loving and loyal friends because I was inherently awful.

As a way to protect my fragile, nearly defunct, self-esteem, I started to project this self-hatred out into the world. If I’m not worthy of love and loyalty, then neither are they!

I chose to see the worst in everyone I met so that I could have an excuse to hate them first before they got the chance to hate me and hurt me. Out of fear of being burned again by another person, I decided it was best to not open up to anyone ever again and instead just find their faults and hate them for it.

For many years I carried on doing this, I lived in my own DIY lonely and loathsome hell. I was unable, unwilling to open up to people, to connect in a meaningful way, to trust again. At one point, I even asked myself if love for a friend was even possible. I always heard other people talking about how much they love their friend, how they became more than friends more like family. I knew from their tone that they truly felt that way, so to love someone who isn’t your own blood and who is not a romantic partner was totally possible.

Thankfully, from my visit to this lonely and loathsome hell I was able to turn inward and gain something positive. The solitude I had created for myself allowed me enough moments of quiet to reflect, to become aware, and to grow.

The first thing I became aware of was what particular characteristics these people who seemed to genuinely love others shared. For one, they all had a healthy love for themselves. They were accepting of themselves without judgments and they were strong enough to offer this same unconditional acceptance to others, flaws and all. Without the fear of judgment, you remove the biggest obstruction to being genuine and authentic in any relationship. It is from here, that mutual trust and love can grow.

I suppose the most important thing I learned was that to have a good friend you must also be a good friend. You must be willing to extend the same kind of love, acceptance, and care that you expect. And how can you offer those things if you aren’t willing to love, accept, and care for yourself?

It quickly became clear, that the reason I felt so bitter about people was because I didn’t love myself enough, this was distorting my vision of others in a profoundly negative way. Our inner reality will shape our outer reality always! So if things on the outside aren’t how you would like them to be, i.e not enough love, support, and care, then maybe you should look within for the reason why that is.

Hopefully one day we will all realize that we are all just humans and that no matter how many differences there are between us, we have one huge thing in common— we all just want to love and be loved.

So if you have been burned before by a friend or a lover, once, twice, or multiple times, please don’t close your heart to love. Whatever that person did or did not do, it was not solely for the purpose of hurting you. More than likely, that person has no love for themselves and thus they are not able to offer any love to you.

Of course, I’m not saying that if someone is hurting you that you should remain there to receive their punishment. On the contrary, staying in a toxic environment like that is an unloving act towards yourself.

What I’m saying is, don’t let those experiences turn you into someone who hates people, into someone who is so jaded and guarded, that they don’t even remember if loving another person is even possible.

Questions to reflect upon: 

  • Are you loving yourself enough?
  • Do you accept yourself unconditionally?
  • Do you extend that same kind of acceptance to others?
  • If no, then why not?loving-heart
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Categories: Blogging, Fears, How I found myself, Life, Love and Relationships, Positive Psychology, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Author:raimyd

My name is Raimy, I’m a soul-searching writer and amateur photographer. Creative-guru is a by-product of a deep creative passion for personal and spiritual growth.

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